The Messy Middle

I usually write about significant events in my life. I don't always share what I write, but when I do, I've noticed that I only share it after everything is "over" and tied up in a nice little bow. This way, it can appear that I've overcome some obstacle and therefore I can present myself as strong and as someone who can learn from mistakes or challenges. 

Well folks, I'm not always strong. It's more accurate to say I am rarely strong. When I am hurt or I feel like I've failed, I avoid friends and family, I hide in my bedroom, I cry, I have anxiety attacks, I shut down. So, when I was laid off in November from what I thought was my dream job, it was devastating. I gave things up for this job, I poured myself into it, I was good at it, and in the blink of an eye, I was dismissed. 

I've been employed my entire adult life. Yes, I worked for companies where my job was eliminated or the company restructured, but I always had something lined up before I left, giving me short intervals between jobs that were just a bridge to the next thing.

In my line of work (surprise, I work in Communications) I was often part of the team executing the restructure or job eliminations. I am a strategic thinker. Some would call it pessimism, but I like to call it realism. I am good at seeing the writing on the wall, which makes me good at my job. I would often guess which departments and jobs would be eliminated before it happened, sometimes even guessing correctly that I'd be on the chopping block eventually. For example: I worked for a company for 8 years right after college and within days of the company being purchased, a few of my colleagues and I were able to guess which departments would eventually be eliminated. We wrote our guesses on a whiteboard in secret because at the time we were being asked to be "optimistic" about the future of the company. Every guess we made eventually became reality.

This time was different. I was working 60+ hour weeks for months prepping for these eliminations, and I had no clue that I was on the list. I am not even sure my boss knew until the last few days, but either way, it was a shock. I eventually learned that I was the only one in Communications who was let go. There were reasons for it that had nothing to do with my work, in fact, I had just been given much more responsibility, but it sure felt personal. It felt like my world was imploding, and most of all, it felt shameful. Shame is scary, it is isolating, it will pull you into the shadows, and it will reinforce every bad thought you've ever had about yourself. 

As I write this, it has been 3 months, and while I plan to wait to share this until I am ready and probably employed again, I wanted to write some of this while I DON'T have it all figured out. As I start this, I'm still very much unemployed, but I have learned a few things along the way. While I'm still here in the messy middle of this process, I thought I'd write them down.

1) Show up for your unemployed friends...and not just to get the scoop on the dirty details.

I am not accusing anyone, because for real: I didn't do this before either. Contacting my unemployed friends felt a little like I was slowing down for a car accident. I figured unless I had a lead on a job for them, there was no reason to reach out. Besides, wouldn't we all like to have a few days off? Lucky bastards. Never mind that you are scared every day that goes by you won't find a job. It's not like a vacation, it's like slowly driving your car towards a cliff hoping something stops you first. 

It is so isolating. No one wants to catch the unemployed virus, no one wants to think about how it could happen to them too, so you end up very alone with lots (and lots) of time on your hands. The people who checked in with me by just sending a text or calling me on a regular basis were angels. I would not always answer the phone or the text, but they kept trying. When I did respond, they endured the crying, the doubts, and the incessant insecurity and fear I shared. The ones who just listened, distracted me, made me laugh - you know who you are. You've taught me about showing up and I will carry that with me.

2) Setting deadlines and goals when you have no control over the outcome is stupid.

Telling yourself I will have a job by x date after applying for 80 jobs online (I did this) is not productive. Hustling and reaching out to people who work at the places you want to work is better, but all things being equal, getting a job takes a lot of luck and is not totally within your control. You can be the ripest peach on the tree, but some people just aren't going to like peaches, especially the bots that are scanning your resume along with 4,000 other people. To go from a place of control, where I was managing several departments and making big decisions every 15 minutes to a place where I felt like I was just floating in the wind of someone else's whims was terrifying.

3) This is super cliché, but worrying about tomorrow robs you of the joy of the moment.

I have NEVER been good at this, even in the best of times. Going from 60-hour weeks where I was on work calls at the mall, in the grocery store parking lot, while brushing my teeth even, it was hard to just look around, slow the fuck down, and not spend all that extra time worrying about the future. Driving Claire to school every day (not on a conference call!) and listening to her talk about her life or join her in belting out 9-5 by Dolly Parton (her choice) gave me a reason to get out of bed every morning. Taking off for a mid-morning run just because the snow was really pretty on the trees that day? I got to do that, more than once. Driving to Austin to see my mom last minute and enjoying an early morning run and cup of coffee with a dear friend during the week? When will I be able to do that again? The answer is the same whether I was employed or not: we don't know. We don't get time back. Every time you do something could be the last time. Everyone I love was healthy, so was I, and I had a little time to spend with them that I wouldn't normally have. 

4) Don't wait.

I refused to travel out of state and barely left my house for months. For what? Partly because I was worried about saving money, partly because I was petrified to plan anything because I was worried I needed to be available for interviews or if they wanted me to start working in a few weeks or what people would think of me or JESUS. Just stop. It's still your life. Time waits for no one. When in my adult life will I be off for months at a time again? I booked a flight and felt better immediately. I was making a choice for myself, and making plans that were more than 2 days into the future made me feel like I had control over something. Yes, people judged me. Yes, I was losing my mind and needed a break. Fuck it.

5) Be grateful for that job you have.

You get to go to work every day. You get to have normalcy that many people crave. I know sometimes that sucks, but it's a privilege to have a job. I found out I really like working. I missed my laptop (of all things) and I really missed being needed for my brain. I helped my friend with a work presentation one day and it was so joyful (for real). In all my time in this career, I never had enough time away from it to really miss it. It's just like my soapbox speech about exercise: we get to do this. Never take it for granted.

Epilogue (written after the job offer finally came):

6) Depression hates a moving target. To say that I met the criteria for clinical depression is an understatement. I have been hospitalized before for depression and I felt the darkness creeping up around me along with that shame I talked about earlier. I made a promise to myself that I would move my body every day. Sometimes in the beginning when it was still nice out, that meant a 6-mile walk in the woods (that's what I did the day after, raging and crying into the void). By Thanksgiving, I was running at least a mile a day. I've done run streaks before, usually from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day, but this year, it was my lifeline. There were days I did nothing else but will myself to run a single mile, which sometimes turned into a lot more. I cried from the effort of lacing up my shoes. I cried during, after, leading up to it. But I did it and I always, always, always felt better when it was done. I didn't stop on January 1 this time and I'm still going, through a bad cold and throwing my back out a few weeks ago. I'm not sure when I'll stop.

6) Believe in yourself.

You're worthy, you're talented, and you're more than an auto-generated rejection email (I received SO MANY). You're more than a line item on a budget that needs to be cut. Someday soon, someone will notice. The job I finally got? It wasn't even posted, and I didn't even apply for it. I was recruited by an executive search firm who found me on LinkedIn. Imagine if, instead of worrying, applying for 80 jobs, and living in shame, I had just switched my LinkedIn status to "open to work" and walked away to live my life? The outcome would've been the same, but I would have enjoyed the mess in the middle a lot more. 

7) Put it into perspective. 

Money is a big deal in this life, yes. A job gives you the ability to plan for income in the future. Careers define part of who you are. But never forget that time is not a guarantee and neither is that future you think you're planning for. I love taking Claire to school while not on a conference call, I love taking off for a run in the middle of the day because it's beautiful out, and I want to make more time for the people I love. I'm lucky to have received this reminder before it was too late.