I just took my daughter to the Walmart (I like to put "the" in front of places like Walmart because it makes them sound even more backwoods than they are) and boy was it epic in its madness. Don't get me wrong. It was a normal trip to the Walmart. All my trips to the Walmart are epic in their madness.
I think it's possible that something about that place turns me into a lunatic. Maybe it's that I'm surrounded by lunatics and ludicrously placed items in a shed the size of 20 football fields, designed to make me walk by the most crap in every shopping trip. Could be. But hey, I had a gift card.
I had the Walton family jackpot of a list tonight too, from candles to shower curtains to milk and laundry detergent, I hit every blasted corner of that place. I knew I was in trouble when I was halfway through the trip with a cart half full of said items and my daughter said she had to go to the bathroom. The first parenting failure was when I let her have a toy so she would be occupied for a while. The second parenting failure was when I told her she needed to wait to go to the bathroom. As we all know, 3 year olds wait for no one. If they tell you they have to go, they've likely already waited a while.
We continued to shop and eventually we had to make our way to the bathroom. Sure enough, after parking my cart outside and making our way to a stall, she had waited so long the stream of pee rivaled that of a male...only she was sitting like a girl. So it ended up on her pants, my toes (I was wearing flip flops) and on the floor. Let's just thank the inventor of those annoying hand dryers for a moment, as he or she (or heshe for all I know) saved my ass tonight. I just realized now that my toes probably still have pee on them.
That crisis averted and pants back on, we made our way back out to the cart. I put her in the cart. She wanted a drink. I took her out of the cart. The water fountain didn't work. I put her back in the cart. She wanted to look at something. I took her out of the cart. I put her back in the cart. Halfway back to our location pre-bathroom trip, she had opened her toy, which she knows is against the rules. She tries to put it back together...while stepping on the candles and putting the bread next to the fabric softener.
I think I had more stuff on the list...but who knows or cares at this point. Gift card balance depleted, sanity not even close to intact and I'm sure I'll be back next week.
